out of touch.

"All news out of Africa is bad. It made me want to go there, though not for the horror, the hot spots, the massacre-and-earthquake stories you read in the newspaper; I wanted the pleasure of being in Africa again. Feeling that the place was so large it contained many untold tales and some hope and comedy and sweetness, too- feeling that there was more to Africa than misery and terror... The word "safari" in Swahili, means "journey"; it has nothing to do with animals. Someone "on safari" is just away and unobtainable and out of touch." - Dark Star Safari : by Paul Theroux

Those words describe my mood, thoughts...everything lately. I have felt out of touch with everything. This post has been swirling around in my mind for awhile now. Until I had some down time on a recent family vacation..and the words in that book...I didn't know how to properly express or explain what has been in my head and my heart.

On days like today, when I have had many hours to think-- and I feel so lonely I ache, I long to be back in Uganda. Where my "job" was loving children and holding orphans and attempting to share His love. I long to disappear into the Africa I knew -- it was "sunlit and lovely, a soft green emptiness of low, flat topped trees and dense bush, bird squawks, giggling kids, red roads, and cracked and crusty hills..." To just have that feeling of being away and out of touch. Maybe it is because that is the pattern my life has taken. I do one job, one thing, one hobby, one house, one relationship, for about a year and a half and then it is over, done, and change enters in without asking. Maybe it is because this time I have been looking, trying for, crying out to the Lord for direction and for change. But so far life has remained the same. Same job, same car, same city, same apartment, same [lack of] relationship status.

I know I should be rejoicing in this season of rest and sameness. I long to have a heart of "acceptance-with-joy" --- and oh how I am trying. But my sinful nature fails me. My sin doesn't want to rejoice in the blessings others are receiving, or to humbly serve those who do not know the Good Shepard, or hold my tongue when I should. I have seen what my life looks like when I go my own way. It falls apart and is dark and broken. So my prayers have been for more grace, more joy, and more hope. For when I do set my feet on that beloved red dirt I will need all of those things. One doesn't know how going back to Africa will effect them. I want to be known as a woman who has lived life with joy, and has long {ever hopeful} patience, and humbly accepted any path He leads me down.

For I know that right now in this season...I am meant to be here. In Raleigh at my little job with my wonderful friends. For you see...shortly...these wonderful friends will need more hands to help, more need for babysitters, more need of grace and hope and joy. Shortly, seven {7!} precious children will have families. They are all currently in the land with the red dirt. I am so glad that the Lord has so clearly shown me my role for this season. It is to walk with these families, love these families, encourage and support these families, thrown them baby showers, decorate their nurseries with them, dream big dreams for their children with them, pray for their children with them, welcome them home at the airport, watch their children so they can have date nights, sing songs from Uganda, and watch in awe as their children grow perfectly in their love. And someday, oh someday, they will do the same for me. Someday I will have a man leading me and a house full of children and a community surrounding me.

But for now I will praise Him on this journey. For now I will pray "The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places." Habakkuk 3:19. I want to learn what I can in His high places so I can pour myself out abundantly in His valleys. Lord, let us always call out Your name on our journeys, and lean on the strength of your word. On the lonely days, when I feel like living on a dark star, I pray I would not fall into the lies of this world but that I would dive with abandon into the truth and perfection of Your will.